| Your eyes make me weak, I don't know why |
[6.30.08 - 1:22am] |
You are the most amazing person I know. You're the only person who puts up with all my shit but calls me on it when you know you need to. You're the only one who will stay up and talk when you would much rather be sleeping. You sacrifice yourself and your time that could be spent being more productive to spend the time with me. You comfort me when I've had a bad day or even when I've been mean to you. You hold me close, hug me tight and kiss me soft. You know what I'm thinking, as much as I may try to hide it, and it makes things easier for me to open up; despite my best efforts to make you think I want to keep everything to myself. You listen when I need to talk and don't question me when you aren't sure how to take something. You comfort me when I'm upset, calm me when I'm angry and put me at ease when I'm unsure of something. When I feel sick you are literally more healing than any medicine ever could be. You let me ramble on, even if you don't really listen because let's face it, I talk a lot. You include me in your plans and don't make me feel like a third wheel or outcast when we're around your friends.
You forgive me for my faults, and do your best to understand where I'm coming from, even if and when I've upset or hurt you. You have never let me down or disappointed me. You have always been there for me if I needed you, and you've been willing to listen, or to just sit and hold me if that's what I needed. You're the most understanding and reliable and amazing person I know. I know that I am beyond lucky to have you as part of my life and feel as though I take you for granted sometimes. Please know that you are truly my best friend, my hero and the person I admire. You're strong, independent, confident, willing, determined, creative, loving and passionate.
I love you so much baby, I'm sorry for all the times I have ever made you question or doubt exactly how much I care for you. I wish I could explain just how much I love you, if I could let you feel it for just 5 minutes ... it's unbelievable and powerful and it scares me that I care for someone so much. I've never been lucky enough to feel this way about anyone, and it started so quickly with you and it hasn't slowed down - not that I want it to. I just worry that because things are so amazing for us that I will do something to mess it up, and maybe I'm living up to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know in my head that the things I'm thinking are ridiculous, but there's a paranoid part of me that can't help but to believe and fear them. I also know better than to try to hide things from you because you know me better than anyone I have ever known, you know me better than myself. I know better than to play games or to try to lie about something. You know me better than that and you see right through it all.
You are my best friend and my hero and I look to you for advice and inspiration. I feel sometimes that you give more to the relationship than I do, but I know that I give my all, and I hope that can be enough for you, that I can be enough for you. No, I don't just want to be enough, I want to be more than enough, I want to be everything for you, the whole package. You make me feel like I am, but I doubt myself sometimes and try to overcompensate in unusual ways. Matt, please know that I am going to try to be everything you need and want me to be. I'm going to try to be just half as special for you as you have been for me, because just half is more than I can even imagine, but if I can be as amazing as you are, maybe I'll finally be able to let you feel the love I feel for you the same way I feel it.
I love you.
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| once the fad permeates it's hip to care, it's hip to hate |
[4.6.08 - 11:18am] |
Last night I went to Matts house and met his mom. She wanted to make dinner for him so I thought that was sweet. She is really sweet, I like her a lot. She's like the perfect mom, I swear. When she left she hugged me, and as far as Matt was concerned means she likes me because she doesn't hug "just anyone". So she left around 1130 and Matt and I sat on the couch and talked and then we went upstaris. Afterwards we just laid in bed and he asked me the same thing he's been asking me. "Ask me a question, about anything you want, and I'll answer." I also get asked, "What are you thinking about, you know you can tell me" a lot. Anyway, I finally just gave in and said, "You ever want to say something but aren't sure if you're supposed to so you keep holding it back, keep stoping yourself from saying it?" Then it got kind of quiet for a second and he started saying how he had wanted to say it to me for a while now but he wasn't sure if he should because it was "too soon" or what not, but that he was falling in love with me. I said the same thing and that I was falling in love with him and had been fighting saying it for a good two weeks. He wanted to know times that I could remember when I wanted to say it but didn't, so I gave him some examples. So we laid there and talked for a little bit, and we both agreed that we're glad we found eachother, and that we hope things last for a really long time. He also said that he wanted me to meet his mom before he said it, which I thought was really cute.
Ah, it's such a relief knowing that there isn't something I'm avoiding saying anymore, that I don't have to worry about it just slipping out.
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| Roll over, spin round and come in behind them |
[3.2.08 - 9:43pm] |
Drache713 (9:39:10 PM): hey sexy.
...
Drache713 (10:01:49 PM): ugh I wish I could kiss you right now
brit is a cult (10:01:57 PM): awe
brit is a cult (10:02:07 PM): so do i. and not to sound totally weird or creepy but i thought about you today
Drache713 (10:02:53 PM): nah that's not creepy, i've been thinking about you too
brit is a cult (10:03:19 PM): haha okay good, i didnt know if i should have said anything or if i should have kept it to myself
Drache713 (10:03:37 PM): nah, you can say anything to me. i don't want you to be hesitant or afraid to tell me anything
Drache713 (10:05:15 PM): having said, I want to listen to anything else you'd like to share or say
brit is a cult (10:05:50 PM): hum .. i feel like there's pressure to say something big or interesting lol
Drache713 (10:06:14 PM): no there's no stipulation to what it's size or importance has to be
brit is a cult (10:07:18 PM): haha okay thats good because i dont know that i could be entertaining if i had to be interesting all the time
Drache713 (10:07:59 PM): sure you can, I find you to be both each time I see you
brit is a cult (10:08:35 PM): i think you might like to know that i havnt stopped smiling yet lol.
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Drache713 (10:33:08 PM): you are gonna come hang out at my place once we get moved in, right?
brit is a cult (10:33:26 PM): as long as im invited, yeah ill be there
Drache713 (10:34:37 PM): oh yeah, definitely. we'll be having a party once we move in too, you're invited
brit is a cult (10:35:03 PM): ha aw thanks
...
Drache713 (10:40:22 PM): hey you wanna know a secret
brit is a cult (10:40:28 PM): sure
Drache713 (10:40:37 PM): i had a dream about you the other night
brit is a cult (10:40:55 PM): hum, do i want to ask? .... yep, what about lol
Drache713 (10:41:26 PM): i can't say, I don't think it would be very appropriate lol
brit is a cult (10:42:09 PM): oh ...
Drache713 (10:43:01 PM): lol yeah, but you can use your imagination
brit is a cult (10:43:19 PM): dont worry, i am lol. was it at least a good dream?
Drache713 (10:43:31 PM): oh it was very good
brit is a cult (10:44:10 PM): good, im glad to hear it. since were being honest, i had a dream about you too
Drache713 (10:44:34 PM): did you? you're just saying that
brit is a cult (10:45:01 PM): no, im really not.
he's cute and that made my day.
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| i want to tell you something |
[2.25.08 - 1:10am] |
Actually, I want to tell you a lot of things. I'll start simple.
I love the way my hair looks when it's up and a mess. Or how I look when I first wake up in the morning, make-up smeared and hair that looks like I tried to make it look bad. There's something about looking so common and simple that I find beautiful' I don't care if it's me, you, them, anyone. I want you to know that despite what you may think or I lead you to believe I am always doing my best, I am always trying and I'm trying hard. Simple is never as easy as it looks. It’s never as boring or dull as you think.
I complain a lot, but I know that I am lucky. I have scars and bruises and memories I wish I could get rid of, but they have all made me the person you know today. Love me or hate me, I don't care either way. I can only be the best version of me, not the best version of you or the version you want me to be. I embrace my faults and problems and I care for them because they make me. The moments in my life that have beat me up and made me want to disappear, the times when I have cried, bled, fallen and been afraid are the times that have made me strong. They have made me capable of handling all the bad and scary things I have and will continue to face. You may not like me all the time, and that's okay because I don't like myself all the time, but you can bet that I am working on myself. I am always trying to improve and become a better person.
Unlike a lot of people I believe that there is not a limit to what we can achieve but how we achieve it. I think that if I want something bad enough, I can have it, but there is only so much I can do to get there. I don't believe that people can change. They can pretend to, they can hide the parts they know are unpopular they can try and push aside their urges but they will never go away. An addict will always be an addict, a mutilator will always be a mutilator, an abuser will always be an abuser, a musician will always be a musician and a doctor will always be a doctor. It doesn't matter if you haven’t practiced the habits in 20 years, it's who you are, it's a part of you and you can never get rid of it. Would you want to? Hasn’t it made the person you are? It’s taught you something about yourself.
I want to know the person you are meant to be. I want to help you be that person. I am your emotional dumpster. I need for you be happy and secure and confidant. I need to know that you are safe and that you know you have the opportunity to do and be whatever it is you want. If you're trying to be something and it isn't working, try another way, try a new technique or route. I need to know you believe.
Nothing is ever as bad as you think it is. If you think your life is shitty think of all those people laying in hospital beds in comas, having surgery that will only prolong their life for maybe a few more months, but it's a few months they wouldn't have without it, people who have just lost their only child, people whose hearts are stopping right now ... Now think of all the people affected by that one person. There are a million people in pain right now and millions more suffering from that pain. Your pain is nothing compared to theirs, and from this moment things can only get better for you.
If we're lucky we're going to live a solid 80+ years. That's 80 years of happiness, sadness, love, life, death, celebrations and memorials. Our life is a roller coaster; enjoy the ride, the high and the low points. It's going to end at some point and we're going to look back and remember all the dips and dives and turns and flips. We're going to remember things that shook us and made us question ourselves, our motives and where we stand. Don't let your memories be filled with shit, make the roller coaster worth the ride.
I want to tell you that while I complain, I remember my uncle lying on his death bed on his 50th anniversary, him saying his final goodbyes to his great grand children and making sure he told stories of his time flying planes and watching bridges being built. He was remembering what was important to him and he made sure we all knew. I also remember my uncle calling to say that he was home; he was released from the hospital and is doing so much better and the tears that I heard from my aunt and my grandparents and my mom. Remember things can only get so bad before they get better.
They will always get better.
i'm in love with the ordinary, i need a simple space and rest my head, everything gets clear. well i'm a little ashamed for asking but just a little helps, it gets me straight again, helps me get over it.
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| I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time |
[11.28.07 - 6:31pm] |
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I think it's amazing that no matter how many people are around, or how many people I may be talking to or helping or watching (in that non stalker way) I still manage to feel so alone. I can be with my best friend or my family, or friends, or at school or work and there can be 20 people around me, and I look at them all and I see just people. I don't see my friends or family, I see people that I know, but who don't know me. With the exception of one person, no one knows me, no matter what they may think they know, no matter what I may have told them or they may have seen or heard they have no idea who I am. Knowing this makes me feel alone, like the only person I have is myself. Which sure, to an extent is true, I am the only person I can truly count on. I'm the only person who will ever know or understand me. Just me.
I love to be around people because I allow myself, for just a short while to pretend that it's not like this. That there are people that care about me or who enjoy my company. But that disappears faster than it came and again I'm alone. I look at people I spend time with and wonder why, why them, what about them makes me stick around? I don't care who you are, I have thought about every little thing that bothers me when I'm around you, and how whatever I do probably bothers you. After I say anything in any group of people I immediately start to doubt myself and winder if I would have been better off just keeping my mouth shut. I think that if I have spent any amount of time with you, you have talked about me when I'm not around and I wonder what you have said. I am constantly wondering what you are thinking about me at any given moment when we're together. If I'm being quiet it's not because I don't care, it's because I'm trying to make sure I don't say anything stupid. If I'm talking, the second my mouth shuts my brain is running with things you are thinking of me. My insecurities are great and they tend to outnumber my strengths. Yes, I feel that I am a very strong individual but there are times when I feel so weak that all I can do is try and think about how I may have made a positive impact on people. I need to be selfish for a few minutes to make myself feel better. But believe it or not, I am not a selfish person by any means. I am always thinking about how what I do or want to do will affect my family, my friends, people I haven't even met yet. And then I think about how it will affect me. So before you start to call me selfish, remember this and think about if you really want to go there.
If you have been one of the handful of people I have trusted with any of my secrets, you should feel very blessed because I have a lot of them but I have told less people than I can count on one hand at least one of my secrets. So when we're having a conversation, pay attention to what I say, it might be something no one else knows. I have very little faith in people, so getting me to open up is almost impossible. This is tough for me to admit, but I figure doing so may help me in the long run in trying to get past this.
It's a difficult lifestyle, but it's mine and I accept it for what it's worth. I appreciate it so much for allowing me to be realistic about life, and to never wear rose-colored glasses when looking at anything or anyone.
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| come on you can show yourself |
[12.10.06 - 5:20pm] |
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Write a journal entry with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends list and tag them - no tag backs. These rules should be included in your entry.
1. I know it is going to sound terrible, but, mentally challenged people can scare the shit out of me.
2. Despite how much I think I wouldn't care if my dad dropped dead right now, I'd probably actually be upset. However, I could still care less if he lived on the opposite side of the planet. It's just the idea of knowing he's alive I suppose.
3. Sometimes, I care way too much what people think of me. And it's only the little things that shouldn't bother me, and not the big things. People could say I was in an all girl rehab for sex addicts and turned gay and I wouldn't care. But if they thought I dressed stupid or if my outfit didn't match or something completley pointless, it would drive me insane. Ridiculus, right?
4. I'd rather have any kind of conversation in person than over the phone, online or in a letter. I think that it's easier to read the person's thoughts and feelings when you're face to face than it is to try and catch sarcasm or emotion any other way. If I can't understand the person's feelings, it gets me all disoriented and I'm unable to accomplish what I need to.
5. I have this insanely large guard up around me all the time. I have a terrible time letting anyone in, and even more so trusting them. This is why my only real friend is Kellie, and everyone else is just a friend. When I do let someone in, it's because I feel something in them that I don't feel in anyone else. Wheather it be romantic feelings or a sense of self, it's there and it allows me to open myself up. However, when I see the smallest bit of weirdness from them, I close them off again.
6. I'm terrified of telling people exactly how I feel. Not because of the rejection or anything, but because I don't always trust them with my feelings and I don't want to get hurt. Or because I know the next time I see the person, it will be awkward, and I hate feeling like that.
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| the coldest of the cool |
[12.8.06 - 5:03pm] |
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I hate how no matter what I say or like to think, I can let the littlest thing effect me. I mean, if there was a rumor going around school that I let a bunch of guys run a train on me and then I went and tried to suck dick of some sporto that wouldn't bother me. Things like that, they don't get to me. But the simplest, most small things can bring me to tears. I get called selfish a lot. Being called both that, and a liar are two things I can't stand. I might appear to be selfish to some people, but when it comes right down to it, I'd much rather give than get. I'd rather help someone dying in a car crash with the car on fire and risk my own life to help them. I would give my life for some people, and I'm selfish? I don't think so. A current example: My dad just called. He wanted to know if we wanted anything for dinner. I asked my brother and he said Wendys. I don't want it. We just had it like, a week ago. So, I told them what he wanted and that I didn't want anything because I didn't want them to have to go through the trouble to go someplace else. But then they make me feel guilty for saying that? How does that make sense? It doesn't.
Being called a liar. My dad tends to believe that whatever he thinks, no matter what it's about, that he's right, no ifs, and or buts. He asks how if something's wrong and I say no, and he calls me a liar. Because he can tell what I feel? Right. He asks me something and I answer him honestly. He calls me a liar. He could have asked me the most stupid thing ever, like, why do you like the color red? And no matter what I say he'd say I'm lying, because it isn't the answer he wants to hear. When I get called a liar, I get so pissed off, more so than I do about just about anything else. I don't lie, not about anything important anyway. I lie to my parents occasionally about why I'm late or something like that, but those are more like little white lies. There's a difference. White lies are to protect people from something. Lies are just a flat our disrespectful response to whatever you've been asked. When you lie, you're only screwing yourself over. not only do you have to remember the lie, but you have to eventually, along the way, make more lies to help cover the one you said to start with. It doesn't ever end and it's not worth it. I am not a liar. I will never be a liar. but when someone says to me, "you're lying," or, "don't lie to me." or anything along those lines, I get so upset that I seriously can't stand to look at the person for a long time, until I've cooled down.
This is all thanks to my dad. He has called me a liar more times than I can count. He has called me selfish more that I deserve. And sadly, he's called me a selfish liar, more times than I'd like to remember. And when I'm asked why I don't like him, this is only one of the reasons. One of the smaller ones, and still, it's pretty big for it to effect me as much as it does. I have my father to thank for this. If he's done anything for me, it's help make my guard/wall even stronger, thicker and higher. So, thank you asshole. You've been an inspiration and I could only wish that I never end up like you.
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